A series of very poor choices, both personal and professional, found me unemployed, penniless, and homeless. And so it was that I was living out of a car with no gas in a rest area, without phone or wallet, having misplaced both. My situation was hopeless and helpless.
So, I did what I always did in such a calamity. I cried out to God for help. With me in the car was my Bible and little else. So my days consisted of prayer, reading my Bible, and then more prayer. For nearly a week this comprised the bulk of my existence. I would like to say that I “fasted and prayed” because that makes me sound more devout, but in reality, I had no food and no money with which to procure some from the vending machines at the rest area. So it was less of a conscious choice to fast, and more forced starvation due to circumstance. But I digress…
I knew that I needed something on the order of a miracle to change my situation, and I knew that God could deliver. And so for days, that is what I did, begged and pleaded for miraculous intervention, begged and pleaded with God to free me from a cage of my own construct, a prison built brick by brick with one bad decision after another. My intervention came in the form of a kind hearted cop and eventually my situation changed, somewhat miraculously. But, much to my dismay, in many ways, my situation got even worse. That was nearly three years ago, and things haven’t improved much in the interim.
Over the last three years my relationship with the Lord has deteriorated. I came to believe that nothing I did, no amount of prayer, no amount of effort, no amount of seeking him had any notable effect on my life. I became a Christian at the age of 14 and at the age of 50 I was a homeless, penniless, drunk. So what was the point? I could have become a homeless drunk on my own, I certainly didn’t need Christ for that.
Everything I have tried in my life has ultimately ended in failure. My career went up in flames. I’ve never had a meaningful relationship to the point where I no longer even seek such. Everytime I thought the Lord had put something on my heart that he wanted me to do, and I then did it, it ended up going nowhere. I changed jobs, changed locations, wrote books, YouTube, Twitter/X, blogs, etc. All the while thinking that I was doing what he wanted me to do. And it all ended in disastrous failure. So what was the point?
I went from being frustrated to angry to apathetic over the course of the last three years. My prayers became less and less lengthy and less and less frequent. What was the point? Eventually, the only thing I prayed for anymore was death. That was the only request I had left for God. Please just take my life and let it all come to a miserable end. Even during this period I did have the wherewithal to recognize that I sounded much like an angry Israelite after the Exodus, lamenting ever leaving Egypt.
For years I had earnestly prayed for God to reveal his will to me. Show me who you want me to be and empower me to be that man. Show me what you would have me do and empower me to do that work. And every time I thought I had an answer to that prayer and acted accordingly, the end result was the same. Until I reached a point where I no longer asked him to reveal his will to me, because I no longer cared what it was. What was the point? My situation just keeps getting progressively worse.
And then a few days ago I was reflecting on this and thought about, once again, seeking his will as I had innumerable times before after yet another endeavor ended in failure. And then I became angry and thought, ‘No. No, I won’t seek his will. I don’t care what his will is. My existence has been and will remain pointless regardless of my efforts and regardless of which way I go.’ And then a thought occurred to me. John 14. This isn’t the first time some random scripture has popped into my head. This has happened many times before. So I picked up my Bible and read the 14th chapter of John. This chapter is Jesus comforting his disciples and preparing them for what is about to take place (his crucifixion). He tells them that he is leaving them to go prepare a place for them and although he is leaving they know the way to the place where he is going. And Thomas says in verse 5, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” Jesus’ reply to Thomas is one of the most often quoted verses in all of scripture.
“I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6
I have been reflecting on this much over the last few days. It never really dawned on me before that Jesus was replying to Thomas, the disciple who is most famous for doubting the resurrection and stating that he would not believe that Christ had risen from the dead unless he could see and feel the wounds that Christ bore for himself. Thomas was a natural skeptic and pragmatist, and yet it was this disciple who elicited one of the most famous quotes in the Gospels. Thomas asked the same question that I had been asking. How can I know the way? Tell me what you want me to do? Do you want me to take this job offer or stay where I am? Do you want me to move over there or stay here? Do you want me to write this book or not? Do you want me to do X or Y? A or B? How can I know the way?
I am the way.
How can I discern your will for my life? How do I know what’s truly your will versus something I want to do? How can I know the truth?
I am the way, and the truth.
What do you want me to do with my life? Everything I have endeavored to do has ended in disaster. My existence has been pointless. Just take my life already, I am tired of this world and I am tired of my life.
I am the way, and the truth, and the life.
Why was I so consumed with wanting to know God’s will for my life? Why was I not content to simply get up every morning, pick up my cross and follow Christ? Why did I need to know the destination beforehand? Why was I more concerned about tomorrow than today? Why was I so consumed with wanting to know God’s will for my life and did it have more to do with his glory, or mine?
Christ isn’t just the destination, he is the journey. And he isn’t just a way, a means to an end, he is THE way. He doesn’t just become a part of our life, he becomes our life. And if I abide in him, there is never a question as to how can I know the way?
Christ does not promise us a life free from failure and disappointment. He doesn’t come into our life to then reveal some grand purpose for our existence outside of himself. He comes into our life and becomes that very purpose. He is the way.
This will soon be posted to my latest blog. After that? I haven’t a clue. And I have tremendous peace in that.
If you would like for your life to have the kind of peace that only a life dedicated to Christ can have, peace in failure, peace in disaster, peace during the storm, simply reach out to him by faith and pray something like the below from your heart:
Dear Jesus, I know that I am a sinner but I believe that you love me and that you died for me, just as I am. I am sorry for my sins and ask for your forgiveness. I want my life to have meaning and purpose and I want for you to be that purpose. I commit my life to you and I ask you to come into my life and begin a relationship with me and to be the lord of my life. Thank you Lord Jesus that my sins are forgiven and that you are now my lord and savior. In your name I pray, amen.
Let Us Reason Together 